How the Language You Use Shapes Your Child
Why the way you speak matters
The way you speak to your child becomes the way they think about themselves.
So it is really important to pay attention to what you say:
To your kids about them
What you say to other people about your kids
When Scott was working in Shanghai he had a colleague from Germany. Whenever people came over to meet them both very regularly they would say “Scott your Chinese is better than Nico’s” (Sorry Nico if you are reading this).
This kind of comparison happens a lot. It is imbedded in the Chinese education system and in the culture generally. Still it happens in the UK too. Main point, a lot of parents say things that are not positive without considering their kids are listening.
Sometimes there is genuine criticism that is well meant, but even then we want to focus on:
- Giving good feedback that can help
- Building our kids up so they feel that they are capable of taking on hard tasks
The Message to your Kids
If you say
- “That’s not right”
- “Why can’t you do this properly?”
- “You should know this already”
What they hear is
- I’m not good at this
- I getting this wrong
- I’m behind
And expect them to
- give up trying
- do something else instead
- shut down, avoid you or get frustrated
A cultural habit worth questioning
In a lot of Chinese households, there’s a strong focus on correction.
👉 If you point out mistakes, children improve
The intention is high standards.
The outcome is often killing the kid’s self confidence.
It comes across as criticism, not guidance.
What are we trying to build?
Most parents, if you ask them directly, want the same thing:
👉 A child who feels capable
👉 A child who is willing to try
👉 A child who doesn’t avoid challenge
That doesn’t come from constant correction.
It comes from repeated experiences of:
👉 “I can do this”
👉 “I’m getting better”
👉 “It’s worth trying again”
The balance: 中庸之道
There are two obvious extremes.
- “You’re amazing”
- “You’re the best”
Sounds positive, but it’s not grounded.
It doesn’t help a child deal with difficulty.
- “That’s not good enough”
- “You should be better”
That creates hesitation and self-doubt.
What you’re aiming for is something in the middle.
👉 Zhongyong (Doctrine of the Mean)
A balance between the two, critical/judgemental and overly praising
What that actually looks like
First you want to have a positive image of your kids in your head. The opposite would be:
They just don’t want to learn
They don’t listen
They aren’t very good at…
Vs.
My kids are really awesome.
They are funny and cute
They work really hard
They want to help
And if things are not going well, think about the why:
Is what I am asking them to do really hard?
Would I be able to do it myself?
Is it fun?
Does it make sense from their perspective?
A simple way to think about it
If you strip it back, there are four things that tend to work:
1. Give them something they can succeed at
Not everything should be a stretch.
2. Stretch them at the right level
Challenge matters, but it needs to be realistic.
3. Be specific when they get something right
Not “good job”
More like:
- “Did you just climb up that hill by yourself!”
- “Hang on did you just read that word”
4. Catch them doing good stuff and Pay Attention
We tent to quickly jump when we see them in danger or doing something bad
How often did your parents say “HEY!” and you turn around and they smile and say that was awesome!
The added complication with bilingual children
If you’re raising a child across two languages, this becomes more challenging.
The Goal is to empower them.
Help them develop a strong positive image of themselves.
But they are at a disadvantage in that they are having to learn two languages. They may not feel confident in one of the languages so we don’t want to ignore the fact that working in a language that you are learning can be hard and make you feel ill equipped.
So the first two questions are:
Do you talk to them in a positive way?
Do you give them a fair level of challenge?
When Yina moved to the UK from China, she could not speak English and immediately she was was having to deal with school in a foreign language. This was frustrating and hard.
The message her mother gave to her was we are a family that tries hard and we might not be the smartest but we out work everyone else. This isn’t necessarily the message that everyone needs but here is what it was saying:
- What you are doing isn’t easy
- You are a hard worker and so can tackle the problem
- You can do it because we are a strong capable family
The point
Regardless whether you are talking to them in Chinese or English, there is good communication and bad communications. So are you speaking good Chinese or bad Chinese.
Does your language encourage and connect?
Does it create wins for your kids?
Does it have high but reasonable standards?
Do you say good things about them to other people?
Do you tell them you like them and that they are fun to be around?
Do you describe the things they do that make you happy and proud?
Do you tell them the things they do that are not helpful but what they can do instead to support you?
Few tips that we use
We love the word 厉害. One of those classic Chinese concepts that we don’t really have in English. You could translate it as impressive, fierce, skilled, noticeably powerful etc.
We tell the kids that they are 厉害. But expand on it and let them know why and how they are 厉害.
你每天比每天好. You are getting better every day.
你长大了 You are getting more grown up.
你没有放弃 You didn’t give up
One of the things Scott likes to say to the kids when we drop him off at work is, 照顾好你妈妈，好吗？Look after your mum ok? Why? 1. Because he wants to reinforce that mum is someone they should care for. 2. To let them know he believes they have the capacity to do so even though there are very young.